I watched the Super Bowl on TV for the first time in 17 years. The biggest challenge: Not changing the channe - NJ.com

The last time I watched the Super Bowl on television, soon-to-be Giants quarterback Eli Manning had just wrapped up his senior season at Ole Miss, The Apprentice was a month into its first season with reality TV star Donald Trump and some guy named Tom Brady led his team to victory.

All right, so maybe not everything has changed since the last time I was anchored to my sofa for the big game. But the rest?

Put is this way: If you watched the game on a nice high-definition TV back then, you probably spent enough to make a downpayment on new car. This was 2004, when the Roman numerals -- XXXVIII, to be exact -- looked like an alphabet explosion.

COVID-19 ended my streak of sitting in the press box at the Super Bowl, and to be clear, I’m not pointing this out to brag. I just haven’t experienced the game the same way the rest of you have over the past 17 years -- with kids crammed onto the couch, chicken wings spread out in the dining room and remote control in hand.

I was left one question: How do you people not change the channel?

Here’s the timeline:

1:59 p.m. -- This is usually the time, four and a half hours before kickoff, when I’m waiting in line to board a shuttle bus to the stadium. Instead, I’m curled up on the couch with a blanket and the remote control. Ha! Maybe this watching-from-home thing isn’t so bad after all.

2:02 p.m. -- Wife yells from the other room. “Are you going to shovel the snow today or what?” Or, then again, maybe not.

4:47 p.m. -- James Brown calls the NFL’s minority hiring practices “pitiful.” Well, we now know the first headline of the Super Bowl coverage.

5:14 p.m. -- I have a brilliant idea: Let’s order some chicken wings. That’s what people do at home when they’re watching the big game, right?

5:19 p.m. -- E-mail from Door Dash: “Your order will arrive in 80-90 minutes.” Guess the idea wasn’t so brilliant, eh?

5:43 p.m. -- Twitter agrees: I’m in for a long night.

5:46 p.m. -- There’s a Nickelodeon segment with Tom Brady as a “mystery guest” getting grilled about his dessert preferences. “Well, everyone likes chocolate ice cream, but maybe chocolate cake would be my favorite on special occasions.” Good to know.

6:21 p.m. -- Now we’ve got a hologram Vince Lombardi on the screen. The kids are legit alarmed. “Mommy, who IS that?” I hear from the other side of the sofa.

6:26 p.m. -- The national anthem appears to last about 13 minutes. I hope you took the over on that, degenerate gamblers.

6:30 p.m. -- Finally! Kickoff is here!

6:31 p.m. -- The 10-year-old son sits on the remote control, briefly changing the channel to The Love Boat.

6:32 p.m. -- Wait a minute. It’s the episode where Gopher and Isaac have a hilarious series of mishaps with a parrot. Maybe we can pick things up in the second quarter?

6:40 p.m. -- Son: “Do you SEE the Chiefs coach’s mask? It’s falling off his nose? Why does he even bother with it at all. (This is the early leader for my column.)

6:47 p.m. -- The game is fine, but we are LOVING the commercials here. The 9-year-old daughter comes running back into the room every time the game goes into a commercial break (and, holy heck, there are a lot of commercial breaks). Our favorite is the M&M commercial, the one with everyone apologizing with candy.

“Sorry I called you Karen.”

“My name is Karen.”

“Sorry your name is Karen.”

That’s TV gold!

7:10 p.m. -- Tom Brady hits Rob Gronkowski for their 13th playoff touchdown, a record for a pair of NFL legends. Then, just moments later, CBS airs its “Bud Light Legends” commercial. Go ahead. Try to tell me this whole thing isn’t fixed.

7:22 p.m. -- Son: “Why is it called a quarterback?”

Me: Uhhh ...

Son: “Is it the back of a quarter?”

Me: Your guess is as good as mine.

7:39 p.m. -- An oat milk commercial? Really? Someone is trying to sell OAT MILK to a nation shoveling every possible incarnation of saturated fat into its collective mouth? This feels like a bit of a demographic failure.

7:58 p.m. -- Really wishing we had stuck with The Love Boat right about now.

8:15 p.m. -- Look at phone for the first time, see 29 work emails with the subject line “Super Bowl coverage plan.” Uh, I guess I’ll just check those tomorrow.

8:34 p.m. -- The running commentary of The Weeknd’s halftime show performance from kids: “Are those creepy guys robots? Why do they have those things on their faces? They’re running into each other! Why? What are they doing?!” Two big thumbs down.

8:40 p.m. -- I have always loved the halftime show even when critics pan it, and watching now, I’ve finally figured out why. You can’t see the scope of the thing on television, all of the people and the moving parts, all of the amazing logistical feats required to pull it off. It’s just a TV performance.

8:41 p.m. -- And, this year, it’s a lousy one.

8:47 p.m. -- Daughter turns the volume down and leaves the room. She’s done with this. I can’t say I blame her.

9:04 p.m. -- It occurs to me I’m not paying attention to the game. This, given that it’s technically my “job” to pay attention to the game, feels like a problem.

9:13 p.m. -- Tony Romo sure does talk a lot. Is he getting paid by the word?

9:20 p.m. -- Fighting the urge to lie down and “rest my eyes” for a few minutes.

9:31 p.m. -- The kids are upstairs, sound asleep in their beds. The kitchen is a mess, a wing-sauce carnage everywhere. The game stinks, maybe the worst in years. But here comes the best part about watching the Super Bowl on television.

9:32 p.m. -- CLICK.

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Steve Politi may be reached at spoliti@njadvancemedia.com.

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